Four Letters

    Love. What exactly is love anyways? This is the question Ive wanted an answer to for years now. When I ask married couples "How did you know he/she was the right one?", they reply with the seemingly simple answer "I just knew"...like, thanks?
    This world has defined love as sex. People even throw around this four letter word as if they honestly know the real meaning of it saying things like "Omg I love him" after knowing the person for a week. Lets be real kid, you dont love him...you just think hes hot. Love...love is more than that, at least I know that much. Why is love so complicated? or is it really just as simple as "you just know" and Im over-thinking this? I wish there were a check list for love...

    The young innocence in thinking your going to marry them one day. Still getting those butterflies after a decade. Fights only strengthening your friendship. Sitting in silence for hours enjoying their presence. Sacrifice. Unspeakable joy. Denying the possibility of love then something happens and youre reminded of it. Cant picture yourself with anyone else. The look in his eyes. His heart. Always wanting to spend time with him. Wanting to be a part of his family. Would do anything for him. He means so much to you. He is the one. You just know.
    Denial. Denial. Denial.
   
    ...Is that love?

My Heart

    Recently, I have been very greatful for the desires God has put on my heart. They aren't dirty, lustful desires...they are pure desires from my heart. If there were only a few things I would want people to know about me, these would be it. It seems silly saying it, but this would be my fantasy conversation on the perfect date.
    
    My biggest passion and love (besides God) is art. I cant even explain how my heart dances and emotions soar when I walk into a home goods store, design center, or clothing boutique. The colors, the touch of a material, patterns, lighting...everything. I cant even fathom the thought of not falling inlove with art, not being turned on by it. Honesty, I could (and have) spent hours in stores like Home Depot, Joanne Fabrics, Pat Catans, and every fashion store. My desire is to spend my life after college either in an interior design firm, or designing fashion or home products (like curtains or lighting fixtures).
   
    Reading. I.LOVE.reading. Reading is how I escape from my problems and the worlds evil. The perfect day for me is a quiet house, snuggled up on the couch reading a good book, and eating m&ms. Because when this happens...life becomes a little more bearable.
   
    I have also recently developed a love for helping and sheparding the young people in the church life. I dont even think Ive come to realize how much the older church girls had cared for and about me. Its more evident now as Im older, all of us college girls bonding and caring so much more about each other than before. Ive come to notice, however, that its not only my friends who need me, its the younger girls who need me to be a friend to them as well. I remember when I was their age, how I felt so loved when an older girl took time out of her day to ask me how I was doing or even hang out with me! Younger girls used to be such an annoyance to me, but now seeing it from their point of view, they need me. They need all of us older girls. God's given me the gift to connect and relate to people and I believe He's lead me to take care of these younger girls.
   
    Family. It really bothers me when people dont have an appreciation for family. Family is the people God stuck in your life to become your best friends. Sure, not all of my family is christian..but does that stop me from loving them and spending time with them? no. My aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins are amazing. We dont get along all the time, but I know if anyone broke my heart, theyd be on him in half a second. Theyve got my back and Ive got theirs.
   
    Another very strong desire of mine (as well as every other female on this planet) is to be longed for. I always thought it was a shame to be wanted, to be desired after. Reading this book Captivating has told me otherwise. God Himself desires to be longed for...we were made in His image and likeness so obviously we have that desire as well. This world advertises relationships like its no big deal. Is there anyone out there who thinks differently as I do? Relationships arent something to jump into, arent just there for us to give us something to do...relationships are precious. If we humans were without flaw, we would realize that there is only one significant other for us. But so many of us, myself included, have fallen into the trap of dating more than one person trying to find our significant other. Am I saying that going on dates is bad? no. But guard your heart. I have to be reminded of this constantly. Just because I long for my significant other doesnt mean I should go throwing myself at guys and freely giving away pieces of my heart...by the time he does come, there wont be anymore of my heart to give to him. My desire is that he would fall inlove with me for my personality, my heart, and for my love of God.

    After human love and marriage comes children. I long for children...but not children of my own. I want to adopt. Sure, it would be pretty cool to see if my own biological kids looked like me or got my traits, but I just dont have that "motherly instinct" to physically have kids of my own. The way God has spoken to me is that plenty of women out there have their own children. But their are also those women who have kids them either put them up for adoption or they get sent to orphanages. Why would I give birth to kids and leave other children without a home or a loving family? I want to be able to provide a home and family for at least four children. God set that on my heart as the minimum number. If He provides or says otherwise, Ill adopt more. It really pains me when people critisize my idea to adopt. I get responses like "oh no trust me, youll want your own kids"...and it hurts. I dont want my own kids, I want to adopt. Is that so wrong? If God put this desire on my heart then so be it. If He tells me to have my own kids one day instead of adopting, so be it. But for now, my heart belongs to all the broken hearted children without a parent.

An End To My Obsession

    Well, if youve been reading my blog, you know that I post alot about depression..or just have posts that are really depressing...aka I was diagnosed with depression and dont like it. Ok, well I think ive had enough of it, so this will be my "closure" post. Of course it wont change anything...like Ill magically be cured or something, but at least Ill stop talking about it for a while.
    I just finished this personal narrative for my honors english class and I think its pretty darn good and sums up these last eight months perfectly. If you have questions, comments, or corrections..feel free to share them with me. Here it is:

           Being a perfectionist, when I recognize a flaw within myself, I fix it...not by myself of course, but with the help of my Savior, Jesus Christ. Life was flowing smoothly my junior and half of my senior year in high school. I had, what I thought was, a near perfect relationship with God. I was attending two youth groups, joined a Christian school club, went to church on Sunday, and read my bible every so often. No bad situation could ever ruin my relationship with Christ. But the Christian life doesn’t roll like that. Believers don’t go unscathed in this life; we battle the evil in this world too. Little did I know that in the months to come, my relationship with Him would be tested close to the point of complete unbelief.

            I had everything for my future planned out, I even prayed about it so I was positive these plans were set in stone. Yet, it all still seemed too good to be true. I had gotten into my dream college and was the only person out of near a hundred to receive an art scholarship as well. Life was great…on the surface.

I was deteriorating on the inside however, slowly but surely. I started getting upset over the stupidest things, I rarely wanted to hang out with friends or family anymore, and I’d often respond in an angry tone of voice. It didn’t help, either, when my financial aid statement came in, leaving me no choice but to go to a community college.

My parents as well as a few good friends started noticing and asked me if everything was OK. Everything should have been great, except it wasn’t. Going from an optimistic, hyper, super-friendly and outgoing girl to an angry, frustrated, lonely human being…I didn’t know what was happening to me. For once in my life, I didn’t know how to fix myself. This reality was new to me, I was helpless. It was then that I remembered one word from mine and my cousin’s conversation from the previous summer: depression.

            Whatever this “depression” was, I was pretty sure I had it. Although, how could someone who believed in and loved God be depressed? That was my biggest question. Before I jumped the gun and diagnosed myself, I got the details from my cousin. She ran off a list of symptoms she experienced and sure enough, I experienced the same, exact ones.

Before I continue, I’d like to say that a lot of people do not understand what depression is. People occasionally claim and casually announce that they are “depressed”, not knowing the true meaning of it. The definition of depression is: “1. severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy and 2. A condition of mental disturbance, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life” (Google.com). Depression is more than feeling sad for one day or during one situation. Depression is every day. It eats the insides of your heart, soul, and mind until nothing remains.

The first part of the definition, in my experience, means purposely avoiding interaction with even your closest friends, and giving up. There is no hope in becoming normal again and you can’t do anything, so why even try? The main detail I would like to point out, however, is the second part of the definition: “A condition of mental disturbance...”. This literally means that there is a chemical imbalance in the brain and there is nothing we can do ourselves to fix it. The way my doctor put it, the only way to get me back on track was to either take medication or go the natural route and put me on a diet, eating “brain healthy” foods.

            Now, having gone to the doctor’s and being “officially” diagnosed with depression, it was time to break the news (hoping my friends would be understanding and supportive) and time to make decisions. If there was any ounce of hope left, it was when my friend heard the condition I was in. The phrase “but you are the happiest person I know” was meant to bring closure and realize things were never going to be the same; It did the opposite. This hopeless phrase drove and stimulated me for the next eight months to fix my problem. I originally diagnosed myself and now it was time for me to cure myself. No medicine or healthy food was going to be the determinate of my mental stability.

            This was when my relationship with Him did a 180. How could God curse me, of all people, with the most horrible, supposedly incurable, problem? Was He punishing me for my thoughts and actions in the past? If He put me here, obviously He didn’t want to fix me, so I was going to fix myself without anyone’s, let alone His, help.

I played with the methods of distraction, sugar, and isolation. All seemed to work temporarily but permanently left me stuck. Frivolous details and conversations upset me, people were giving me sympathy looks (what was wrong with them?!), friends no longer thought I was “fun”, relationships disintegrated, and my parents wanted to understand but ultimately couldn’t and never would…no one understood me. I didn’t even understand myself for that matter. I would lie in bed at night, sobs flowed from a broken heart convulsing my body, silently screaming prayers to a God I thought didn’t exist anymore. When was this going to end? How long was I going to suffer before I broke completely?

Thoughts danced in my mind; maybe I could drink away my problems, I heard that worked for most people. No, being raised Christian, that was engraved into my mind as a “no no”. Cutting…that worked for my friends, why not give it a try? No, that wouldn’t work either; I got faint at the sight of blood. One thought, however, stuck out to me: suicide. I had toyed with the idea back in middle school, my previous years of depression gone un-accounted for, but never fully went through with it. I mean, why not? There was no point to life anyways, right? But “when” and “how” were the most troubling questions.

 In the last possible moment, just as before, my faithful God had delivered me from these implausible, evil thoughts of killing myself. Killing myself was not the answer, drugs and alcohol were not the answer, pain was not the answer...God was the answer my heart had been searching for, yet ignoring, this whole time. Although He never promised to take away my depression, He did promise me that He would be by my side through it all: “…In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world,” (John 16:33). And He’s kept His promise.

You could say, because of my perfectionism, I became an addict to fixing myself, trying to rid this depression. The difference, however, between then and now, is that I have God working and operating in me. Yes, I still have those days where I just lie in bed, pitying myself. But in His perfect timing, God has begun to erase the thoughts of worthlessness, replacing them with an everlasting joy that no matter what happens, I’ll always have Him…strengthening my relationship and trust little by little, every day.

Getting There

Relapse..after a month of focusing on school and Christ. Last night, just a few hours before I went to bed, my mind starting racing once again. Thoughts and issues from my past stepped out of their hiding places, nudging me subtly then became a raging annoyance. What had allowed this? nothing to my knowledge. After battling it out for twenty minutes, close to the point of tears, He stepped in and saved me..wrapping me in comfort and peace. I was reminded of a song so I sat there, eyes closed, and let the lyrics sink into my being.

Needless to say, that was the shortest battle Ive fought with my past. Two months of spening time with Him, falling inlove with Him, and reading His Word finally paid off.

Yes, there will be other battles to fight, but with Him by my side..I can survive anything.

The Story Behind

Trying to erase my past, I never cared to remember the painful details. But giving my entire heart to God this year meant I had to surface my hidden thoughts and actions..all of them.
 
Naturally, I couldnt remember all the way back to when it began. This past summer I had the opportunity to watch old family videos. I always knew I was hard to put up with, but I never knew how bad it had been. As I sat there, I saw an angry, trouble, attention-seeking, young girl. What was the root of this? ..where did it come from?
 
I remember spending countless hours as an adolescent isolating myself from my immediate family; hiding in my room to subside the anger from abandonment and lack of love. Converting my anger to action started with outbursts begging for love, formulating numerous escape routes, trying to find a way out..hours locked away in silence screaming for attention, an ocean of tears, lack of self confidence and worth..suicidal thoughts.
 
In the years to come, the lack of worth remained seeing my beautiful, adored friends. Thinking I had a chance, Id pour my heart out only to realize later that she had stole his heart already. My only hearts desire was to be someones first love.
 
After seventeen long years I found the person trying to win over my heart.. longing to be my first love.
 
And His name is Jesus.
 
 
 
 
 

Another Side

As if the first two days of college werent tough enough, today I had to deal with, not just random spurts as usual, but a tidal wave of emotions. It all began when I programmed my friends address into my GPS, instead of using my innate sense of direction, and allowed her to lead me through the perilous back roads of east Cleveland into Lakewood.

As I drove, my mind wondered back to March, the month of hell..the month of betrayal, depression, and college. My life had been centered around my decision to attend Indiana Wesleyan University. For an entire year I prayed about my decision, visited twice, and felt exceedingly peaceful about it. I felt pretty confident that God placed it on my heart and was going to lead me on an amazing life journey at this Christian university. When all my forms were filled, housing and food applications were mailed in, and my life was set, the financial aid statement came. Needless to say, we couldnt afford Indiana.

To make a long story short, I applied to colleges in Cleveland, seeing that being around the brothers and sisters I grew up with was the next best thing. Although I am currently attending Tri-C, in the depths of my envious mind, I yearned to go to CSU. Not only is my dad a graduate from there, but I know 10+ people enrolled there this fall and not one where I go. Convincing myself that it was the second perfect college, even though sadly it doesnt offer my major, I wanted nothing to do with Tri-C.

Approaching the edges of downtown Cleveland, knowing I was about to pass by CSU, jealousy crept into my mind picturing those 10+ people there, including two of my dearest friends. Surprisingly, the jealousy faded seeing the other side of CSU..physically seeing the other side of the campus, but also the people and atmosphere actually for the first time. Realizing that I had been completely wrong thinking I was a city girl, I concluded that maybe CSU wasnt right for me after all. Being overwhelmed just by driving through, God only knows how stressed Id be if I were actually there. Safe to say, God knows best...always.

As I continued my drive through the suburbs of Cleveland, appreciation and thankfulness flooded my heart for God for placing me where He did..isolated in a not-so-foreign place anymore, but with Him there by my side every moment, every hour of the day. I may not have a clear picture of the path He's leading me down currently, but I can now say I trust in Him completely.

An Optimistic Depressive

    Me, the happiest, "if I have a flaw, I fix it", most optimistic perfectionist got diagnosed with depression. Why and how? I have no idea, dont ask me. All I know is one minute I was all "happy go lucky" and the next moment I didnt have the desire to live anymore. I became extremely sad, livid, un-caring human being putting up blockage in my heart allowing nothing and no one in to save me.
    The sad part of it all..I didnt care. No one mattered to me anymore, I was alone and liked it that way. I despised being around people, they irritated me to the uttermost. Then, of course, the lonliness grew and tore me down even further..to a point where I actually missed having friends.
    There were, however, a few select people in my life who bore with me my suffering and where there every step of the way..to them, I am extremely greatful. Without them, I wouldnt have a different out-look on depression today..I never would have realized how my emotions affected people.
    Now here are my thoughts on all of this:
                  
              I think its pretty safe to say that 99% of depressives are pessimistic, they however, would rather be thought of as "realists". But, realists dont necessarily have to be pessimistic, you can still be a realist but optimistic as well. Make sense?
    Also, even though Ive only dealt with depression for half a year, I still understand depressives. Dont get me wrong, just because Im an optimistic depressive, doesnt mean I dont understand what other, more severe depressed people go through. I know how hard it is to wake up, I know how hard life is, I know you dont think theres a purpose to life, and how you think being issolated will make all of your problems go away and bring happiness.
    I believe that half the problem is that people think they cant control their depression no matter how hard they try, so they continue taking meds and going to therapy. Yea, sure that stuff is good and hey, if it helps you then great. But only taking meds, thinking your life will magically get better because of some pill...it doesnt work like that. To "cure" depression, you actually have to try. Believe me, it takes a crap ton of effort..even with all the effort Ive put into "curing" myself, I still havent rid of my depression yet..but I sure do feel alot better. Heres the steps/method I created:
                        1. (Obviously) Come to a conclusion that you are depressed
                        2. Understand that depression is not caused by everyday occurances or by something someone said to you. It is a chemical imbalance in your brain.
                        3. Because it is a chemical imbalance in your brain, you can do nothing to help yourself besides meds.
                        4. ^ This is what doctors say but is NOT true...you just have to try even harder if you hate meds and like to fix things yourself (like I do!)
                     
                 AH HA! Now that youve completed those (shouldnt have taken that long), you come to the fun part..curing yourself!

                        1. DO NOT isolate yourself- this is the worst thing you could possibly do. Yea, I know being around people and getting fresh air sucks..but suck it up and force yourself. (Go to the beach, thats what I enjoy most. For some reason water has this odd calming/cleansing effect).
                        2. Distraction- usually when people are depressed, alot of it has to do with boredum as well. Having too much free time gets you thinking which leads to very bad, depressing thoughts. So find things to take your mind off of the bad- paint, draw, shop, go on a photoshoot, collect sea glass, pinterest has alot of great ideas too, and read (the Bible!).
                       3. Find the one (or few) person you can trust- having someone that knows what your going through and how to help, can save you in the end..whether its a therapist, friend, family member, counseler, or teacher. I was privileged to have my parents, a cousin, and 3 really good friends there for me when I needed them in my most desperate times of need.
                       4. Ignore- realize that the average person does not know how you feel exactly much less what depression is. There will be people mocking you and bringing you down. Hold your head up high and just ignore them. Theyre stupid.
                       5. Appreciate- if you come across someone (usually not a stranger) who doesnt know/understand but is willing to help, let them. They might not know what to do, but something they do (that you wouldnt have thought of) might surprise you and actually help.
                       6. Take (legitimate) advice- my trusted friends would give random bits of advice. My cousin (whos going through depression as well) let me in on some things that worked for her, as well as things that worked for her friends too. Please dont listen to those dumb people who tell you youre never going to get better so just give up.
                           7. Color- this is a silly one, but it worked for me. Bring some color into your life! Instead of wearing black and shades of grey, try wearing some green, blue, pink..whatever!
                      8. Finally, people- dont be hanging around the wrong crowd. Besides boredum, people have a big affect on you whether you realize it. If youre hanging with people who condemn you for being depressed..find new friends please.


    Doing these things helped me acknowledge my depression in the moment its happening. So now instead of sitting on my butt at home, sulking around, feeling the weight of the world, I can step back and say "Ok stop. This isnt me. I am depressed and wouldnt normally feel or react like this" and then I go through my steps of "curation".  
    Despite advice, depression is something people cant rid of for you. I like to think of it as a challenge that I have to complete myself. And oh the satisfaction of feeling better by something I did on my own rather than someone else doing it!




(By no means am I pronouncing myself to be an expert and intending to make anyone feel lesser of themselves, Im only giving my opinion and trying to help..but who said you have to take my advice?)

Fixing the Broken

    Smirks displayed on my face whenever the words "broken heart" were spoken. How could a heart be broken, physically no...emotionally. I had never experienced it. But unfortunatley just like 99% of the hearts out there, painfully..regretfully..avoidable (yes)..mine broke. It didnt happen all at once (sometimes I wish it had), but slowly over the course of 4 years pieces started falling..too far and fast to catch them. With a shattered, disfunctional organ inside of me, how was I ever supposed to love again? Love even myself...
   
   Staring into the mirror, I wondered how this had happened. I was careful, I didnt get physically attatched..worse, I got emotionally attached and had my heart torn and stolen out of me, never given back. Feeling empowered from anger, I knew I couldnt let my emptiness control me. But how must one fix their own heart when they dont hold the pieces? They cant.
   
    A glance, a smile, a "how are you?"..a hug. Gradually, new and polished pieces were given to me from friends, family, but more importantly..strangers. Possessing the immense love of Christ in their hearts, I was able to repair my own heart, still bearing the scars of a painful past but grateful of the love shown to me- someone they didnt know.




   

Accept or Reject

This past week I attended Gospel Odyssey..basically 100 christians going out to preach the Word of God. In previous years we had a set schedule: canvas in the morning for 4 hours, lunch, creative gospel for another 4-6 hours, dinner, door-to-door surveys in the evening. This year we were split into smaller groups and were assigned one city where we stay and have to come up with different ways to preach the gospel..no limits.

Having gone to 3 GO's before, I considered myself a seasoned veteran. Little did I know that I really didnt know how to preach the gospel. Most of our time was filled with two-on-one preaching, pairs would go out and preach to any person we saw. Some of the biggest challeges I faced were not being able to relate to a person, my shyness, my laziness, and not knowing what or where to start with unbelievers...safe to say I did not know how to preach at all.

This week was really good in helping me overcome my obstacles..somewhat. It also made me realize that I dont know as must of the bible as should and want to. It also ignited a passion and compassion inside of me for unbelievers and minimal believers. Yes, I admit, I didnt really care about peoples salvations as much as I should have, but there were some strangers salvations that frustrated me to the point of tears.

God desired to be with man and have a relationship with him so much so that He sent His son Jesus to die on the cross to clense all of our sins..just to make a way for us to be with Him. And the bible says that whoever believes in their heart and confesses with their mouth that Jesus is Lord shall be saved! God didnt say we had to do 1000 hours of community service or read the bible every hour to be saved..He said believe and be saved! Its that easy!

To me, how could anyone reject this, not want it? The difference between Christianity and other religions is that we have a personal Savior. Almost every religion has some "great guy" that people desire to know and be like. But do these "great guys" (like Buddha) care about people individually? No. First of all, they died along time ago, never resurected (meaning they arent living and working anymore), and created the religion so it helps people in general..which was nice of them. But come on..so its like our presidents today (or rulers of other countries), they care about the people in general..lets be honest, they dont care for peoples individual problems and needs. HOWEVER, believers have a LIVING God, who not only spoke through man to write the bible (a "self help" book as some call it), but also works and operates in man today! He actually cares about YOU!! As Jeremiah 29:11 says, " For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." So guess what, you believe in Him, you get a guy who genuinely cares for you, is always there for you, and who loves you unconditionally no matter what!

So my question is, how how how HOW can you not want this?! Truth of the matter is, your friends arent going to be there for you every step of the way, neither is your family..but God is. John 3:16 states that "whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life (with Him)". Hallelujah, we can be with Him forever!!

Mountain Top 2012

This Mountain Top was unlike any others. In years past, Id go to touch my Spirit more and to allow God to brake chains that were holding me back. Not to say that this year I didnt touch my Spirit..but this year more of my experience there was about sheparding.

Two of my really good friends came with me this year. Being a new experience for both of them, I wasnt sure how comfortable theyd feel or how much theyd actually enjoy it. Both of them had been saved in the previous year but there was still alot room in their hearts for God to work in.

Something possibly counted as seemingly not that important, however a break through in my eyes, was when I mentioned to one of my friends how theres always at least one night when everyones moved to tears. She commented that she wasnt easily brought to tears, so I was motivated to continually pray for her. I knew God had been and is so real to me and I wanted her to experience that too. For one day I constantly prayed for her, almost every hour of the day. They werent just small prayers, but genuine, long, heart-felt prayers that she would be so moved by the Holy Spirit that it would bring her to tears.

My prayers were answered unexpectedly a day before I thought they would be. That night everyones hearts were touched including hers. We all sat and wept togther. I will never forget that night for as long as I live. It increased my faith knowing that God was and is able to move mountains.

God also moved mountains in the heart of my other friend. She was having a rough time with her past a few nights before and the words and encouragement from the sisters didnt seem to be enough. We had prayed strongly for her before mountain top to be baptized and she had planned to be baptized that week. But as we sat in my room that night, I was skeptical about the baptism..would it really change her life? The answer came the next day. God had worked in her heart the night before, allowing His peace and joy to enter her life. The baptism was extremely moving. All of the Cleveland sisters were brought to tears as we watched our fellow sister enter the water and emerge as a new creation in Christ!

That week was definitely a new step in everyones lives in their relationship with Him.

Vision Week 2012

I am typing this review out from vision week about a month after it actually happened. I had so much to say on it, but now it seems Ive forgotten alot. Heres pretty much the things that touched me most out of the week:

Strategy- Titus says we need to have a strategy for our life. We cant just say "whatever happens, happens" because then nothing eternally valuable will happen. This doesnt mean we need to know where we're going to live, how much money we'll make, etc. However, we do need to make goals, or at least know somewhat where we want to go in our christian lives. For example, these next two years I will be attending the community college for interior design. Its my worldly goal..but for my spiritual goals and plan for my christian life- I am giving these next to years over to Christ for me to fall completely inlove with Him before any man can steal my heart, I would like to attend college bible studies and continue to serve the church, I would like to travel to Africa with the church one day and lead people to Christ over there, and I am considering the next Christian internship. So what are your goals? and where will they leave you with God?

Really Praying- This, I found to be slightly amusing yet so very true. Titus gave us all something to think about. Every christian prays, but do they really pray? As in, when we pray do we just pray for what we want or for the Fathers will do be done (even if its not what we want to happen).

Vitality and Zeal- I dont remember as much as I would like on this topic but what I gather from it was that these two go together. Without zeal, there is no vitality. But you can have vitality without zeal. To zeal is to have passion for something, its not a feeling, its an emotion, something deeper. Vitality is the "going on" and persuing. To be zealous for the Lord is a precious thing..from what I understand, its uncommon today.

Spirit- All I can say is strive to be one with the Spirit.

Fellowship (Titus and the saints as a blessing)- It truly is a blessing to have Titus still with us. Through him, we all grow in knowledge in Christ. Up until this year I never paid attention in Titus's messages, but Ive begun to appreciate them more and more recently. I also really appreciate the fact that there is such a large church life. We may not all know each other or even know everyones names, but we are a family. A family rooted in Christ. Throughout the years I have seen many fall away from Christ and the church and it sadens me to the uttermost. Who wouldnt want to live this life with Christ and have amzing, wonderful brothers and sisters who deeply care for you?? I am blessed to have been brought up in the church life and to know so many saints.

Tears

Ive been having a hard time lately. Stress, anxiety, and jealousy keep building up inside of me. Ill go a month being ok. Some days I feel so weak and needy. Most of the time I dont tell anyone my problems..I feel that burdening them with my problems wouldnt be fair. Then comes a time where smiling and pretending just gets too hard. These past few days I reached that point again. Tears starting streaming down, all I wanted to do was start over. I didnt understand how my life went from there to here, didnt understand why things happened, and didnt understand why I had to be here. Then God spoke to me through Watchman Nee's book, "Practical Issues of this Life". First chapter, Precious are the Tears, seemed fitting for me to read:

                  "...Well, suppose I am exceedingly sad today; so sad, in fact, that I can neither sigh nor talk-nor can I eat, sleep, nor work. Now what would you think would be the best way to dispel my sadness? If you were to ask a doctor how to cure such depression, he might perhaps use psychology by suggesting that I should invite my most intimate friends over for a heart-to-heart talk, or that I should listen to a few jokes so as to laugh off my gloom, or that I should visit some beautiful scenic places, or that I should take a walk, or that I should listen to some music so as to soothe my heart and forget my sorrow. Let me tell you, none of these ideas will work. But should the doctor be one who is deep in life experience, he would declare to me instead: have a good cry and you will find that everything will be all right. Is this not true? When pressure builds up within you to an unbearable degree, you will discover that just two drops of tears from your eyes will release all the tension and settle every problem. How strange that what is in the heart finds its exit through the eyes. It seems as though the eyes have become the outlet of the heart. For as the tears flow, the heart is opened up."

What he writes is true. After I finished crying (and reading this chapter), I felt peace. Not as much peace Ive felt in the past, but enough to remind me that Im in Gods hands. This is something I need to be reminded of every day. Whatevers going on in my life, good or bad, He placed me here. I dont know why Im here, but I trust that He will work everything out.

Betrayal

    Ive gota say, the worst feeling in the world is betrayal. Months of living in jealousy unltimately results in feeling betrayed. Logically, it doesnt make sense, but if youve gone through it, you know what im talking about.
    It makes me sick, literally: waking up with a hardened heart, empty...having the urge to throw up or punch a wall...ending with an anxiety attack and crying myself to sleep. And repeat this process every day of the week.
   All those words unspoken, dying to break out, are gone. Nothing to talk about, nothing to say. Yea sure there are questions you want answered...but you already know the answers. All those times youve made up in the past dont mean anything anymore.
   There are no words they can say to make you feel ok...youre tired of hearing the same things over and over.
   So what do you do?
   Pray.

Painting of my Past

 The first layer of paint goes down; the good, the bad, the ugly. There are some parts of the painting that amaze you, that you intend to keep that way..and there are others that you wish to get rid of. but you cant. So you pick up your paintbrush and begin to paint over the ugly. You paint and paint and paint and finally it looks decent, normal. People admire your work, how far youve come. But aside from the amount of admiration it receives, you see straight through. Straight through to all your mistakes. Because you know, if every layer of paint was to be chipped down to the very first layer, you cant get rid of it. Cant erase the mistakes of your past.

Empower

            First off, i just want to say, that these last 4 days pretty much impacted my life in ways i didnt expect. what a great way to spend the last 3 days of 2011 and the first day of the new year! theres so much to say, and ill honestly try to remember all of it.
            So the night we arrived, i thought they were just going to give an intro to the next few days and go over rules and such. i was wrong. literally the minute we got there, they announced that the first message was to be held in 5 minutes, and i thought to myself "dang, this is going to me intense". dont get me wrong, i was completely prepared physically n mentally for it. So that night we had 2 messages and one small group time adding up to 3 hours of study time alltogether.
            The book we studied these past 4 days was Galatians. Now, im pretty sure no one gave me any warning of how confusing this book is. The first night was understandable, but the next few chapters just got more intense and hard to follow. Some days it was a stuggle to pay attention, but always in the end i got a better understanding of the chapter.
            Whenever i read the bible, i try and relate it to my life, which im sure is what alot of ppl do. But this time, i was forced to focus on facts and studying the Word rather then trying to relate every sentence to my life. Let me tell you, Galations was the hardest to relate to out of all the books ive read. Dont get me wrong, studying the facts of the bible took me on a different life direction. After empower, all i want to do is go book by book and study the bible hard core. It was that awesome and eye-opening.
            Instead of going message by message and telling you absolutely every little point i got out of Galatians, ill just sum every major point up:
                                       Pretty much the main point of the first chapter that Paul was trying to make was that we are free. Everyone who believes in God is free. We dont have to do anything to try and justify ourselves. Isnt that crazy? People think they have to do all these good works like volunteering to be justified. But we dont! The next thing apostle Paul talked about, was the distinction between the Law (circumcision) and Gods Promise. The Law is basically what people of the flesh live by. Its the actions that people live by to try and "be a good person" or a good christian. And the Promise is believing that God set us free and the works we do come out of love and faith rather than trying to be justified. But Paul specifically said that anyone who lives by the Law cannot live by the Promise, and whoever lives by the Promise cannot live by the Law. So pretty much you live by one thing 100% or nothing. You cant live by both.
                                       Galatians 5:6 pretty much states that God doesnt care about the works that you do. He cares that you have a relationship with Him, have faith in Him, and love Him. So now that we have been set free, when we have faith and love for God, our works come out of that faith and love. We serve our God out of faith and love, and not for the purpose of being justified.
                                       So then how do we live according to the Promise and not by the Law? We live by the Spirit. Living by the Spirit basically means you have a Relationship with God. Galatians 5:17 says that the Spirit and flesh are opposite. In living by one, the other one cannot prevail. So pretty much saying that its good to live by the Spirit so the flesh doesnt prevail. How do you know you are walking by the Spirit and not by the flesh? Well Galatians 5:22-23 state that when you live by the Spirit, these things are present in your life: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. And then Galatians goes on to say  "Let us not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another". To me, its all pretty straight forward how im supposed to live my life and walk by the Spirit.
                                      The last chapter of Galatians (6) is positive, and probably my favorite chapter. Gal. 6:9 tells us not to give up on someone (that weve been praying for). Have faith, hope, and do not grow weary. Gal. 6:10 tells us that while we are here on earth, do good to others. Doing "bad" has no value. Give without expecting demand. Give out of faith and love. Gal. 6:15 says that whether circumsized or not (having lived by the law in the past, or not), we are a new creation in Christ. It doesnt matter the workds we do or not, we are in Christ!
            So that being a very short summary of Galatians, ill just post the random points i got out of the messages and small group times. (Ill do it in bullet points so it makes more sense).
                 message #1: -in Him you are freed from everything you could not otherwise be freed from
                                     - the Lord calls you by His grace
                                     - we are joined to the one unique person of the universe (God)
                small group #1: -Gal. 1:10 dont be a pleaser of man but stand firm in the Word of God
                message #2: - the christian life is about God Himself and your relationship with him, not about what you do or what you cant do
                                    - "what in the end are you inlove with"? are we inlove with God, or are we inlove with aspects of the christian life and how we look as a christian?
                                    -dont look at where someone comes from or what they look like, look at where God is in their life and what God has done with them
                message #3: - "our supreme desire should be to know Him and be conformed to His image"
                                    - put the Lord first in everything
                                    - the "american dream" (what we do in life, what we have, and how we look) should be thought of after God. God comes first
                small group #3: - we have free will but its a willing servant/master relationship
                                          - why would you suffer for something if its not real? (confirming our belief in God)
               message #5: -if something (a thought or idea) in life isnt lifechanging, so what? ignore it
                                   - the more you put yourself under your own law, the more you feel condemned
                                   -you dont get more spirit by trying harder. by trying harder, you get cursed
               small group #6: - Gal. 5:12 dont (you yourself) become a stumbling block to other christians
                                          - Gal. 5:13 serve out of love (not for justification) for our Savior
              message #11: -dont rejoice in someone elses punishment (from God)
                                    -help someone else, bear someone elses load
                                    -in the church life, our "load" is: be happy (joyful around others), show up to the meetings, spend time with God, and read the bible
              message #12: -we are not here on earth to make a show or boast in ourselves
                                    -God is working in us.
                                    -He can be working in many ways in an unbelievers heart that we dont see
                                    -a life of peace and mery is the "Israel of God"
    So that is what i learned from Empower. Isnt that life changing?! I encourage you, GO TO EMPOWER AND VISION WEEK, it will change your life forever.