Relapse..after a month of focusing on school and Christ. Last night, just a few hours before I went to bed, my mind starting racing once again. Thoughts and issues from my past stepped out of their hiding places, nudging me subtly then became a raging annoyance. What had allowed this? nothing to my knowledge. After battling it out for twenty minutes, close to the point of tears, He stepped in and saved me..wrapping me in comfort and peace. I was reminded of a song so I sat there, eyes closed, and let the lyrics sink into my being.
Needless to say, that was the shortest battle Ive fought with my past. Two months of spening time with Him, falling inlove with Him, and reading His Word finally paid off.
Yes, there will be other battles to fight, but with Him by my side..I can survive anything.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
The Story Behind
Trying to erase my past, I never cared to remember the painful details. But giving my entire heart to God this year meant I had to surface my hidden thoughts and actions..all of them.
Naturally, I couldnt remember all the way back to when it began. This past summer I had the opportunity to watch old family videos. I always knew I was hard to put up with, but I never knew how bad it had been. As I sat there, I saw an angry, trouble, attention-seeking, young girl. What was the root of this? ..where did it come from?
I remember spending countless hours as an adolescent isolating myself from my immediate family; hiding in my room to subside the anger from abandonment and lack of love. Converting my anger to action started with outbursts begging for love, formulating numerous escape routes, trying to find a way out..hours locked away in silence screaming for attention, an ocean of tears, lack of self confidence and worth..suicidal thoughts.
In the years to come, the lack of worth remained seeing my beautiful, adored friends. Thinking I had a chance, Id pour my heart out only to realize later that she had stole his heart already. My only hearts desire was to be someones first love.
After seventeen long years I found the person trying to win over my heart.. longing to be my first love.
And His name is Jesus.
Naturally, I couldnt remember all the way back to when it began. This past summer I had the opportunity to watch old family videos. I always knew I was hard to put up with, but I never knew how bad it had been. As I sat there, I saw an angry, trouble, attention-seeking, young girl. What was the root of this? ..where did it come from?
I remember spending countless hours as an adolescent isolating myself from my immediate family; hiding in my room to subside the anger from abandonment and lack of love. Converting my anger to action started with outbursts begging for love, formulating numerous escape routes, trying to find a way out..hours locked away in silence screaming for attention, an ocean of tears, lack of self confidence and worth..suicidal thoughts.
In the years to come, the lack of worth remained seeing my beautiful, adored friends. Thinking I had a chance, Id pour my heart out only to realize later that she had stole his heart already. My only hearts desire was to be someones first love.
After seventeen long years I found the person trying to win over my heart.. longing to be my first love.
And His name is Jesus.
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