The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side

Why do I always think that? "Oh if only this would happen...", "If only I owned this...", "I like my own plan better than Gods...". 

I caught myself thinking the other day that if I had the real college experience, Id be happier today. And thats where it all began. 

Am I unhappy with my life right now? I dont think so. Actually, Im not. Im in a challenging yet fantastic internship with the best people on the planet, Im about to live my dream of seven years of going to Africa, I just got inline skates, and I have a full tub of hummus in the fridge. So whats there to complain about? 

But it started. And ohhh boy, when it started going downhill it just wouldnt stop. 

We were driving home from Ben&Jerrys by the JCU campus yesturday and as we passed groups of friends sporting backpacks, maybe with books in their arms, and even some with looks of exhaustion painted on their faces from the all-nighter they had just pulled, I felt jealousy bubbling up inside of me. Stupid, pointless, naive jealousy. Jealousy because I havent had the 'real' college experience- yes, including those 'wake you up at 3 am noisy neighbors, the 'I dont know if this is cheese pizza or...", the 200 count attendance lame gen eds classes, cheesy but cute date spots, and strange professors (...well, I did have those...). Which then spiraled my mind thinking where I would be now- graduated, with my first big girl full-time dream job at the age of 20, and engaged to the college sweetheart (like a love at first sight thing of course). I would be financially stable because of my big girl job and that would allow me to travel the world like Ive wanted. Man, what a great life. 

But here I am- no college degree, not even in college for that matter, in an internship for now, and not knowing what I want to do/can do next year. So I was browsing Pinterest the other night for life ideas and having talked to a friend a week before, moving to another state for some time looked and sounded invigorating. Oh the things I could do and the place I could see if only I had another life. Another life where I wasnt serving the Lord full-time and didnt love people enough to stay. 

The unrest in my being was almost painful. My spirit and soul were definitely at battle- a caged soul begging to be free and soar against a willing, serving spirit for the Lord. 

I asked a friend to pray for me in my unrest and she commented "...the grass always looks greener, but its not...". Talk about wake up call! This little phrase and prayers from a dear, most beloved friend turned my heart from beating myself up over past decisions to fully appreciating Gods work in my life. 

Now I see how beautifully woven my life is. After the whole "college-> dropping out of college-> working full time-> doing the internship" deal, finally part of the tapestry was revealed to my curious eyes and the threads woven so intricately just amazed me. The way the Lord used every situation to bring me to a place of loving and trusting Him more was something I could have never orchestrated. 

So why dream of greener pastures when Im in the greenest one already?

A Life not in Vain

One of my conversations in the gospel today has stayed with me for hours causing my mind not only to analyse life in the present moment, but to reflect on my life in the past. 

As I have previously expounded on in my blog, I have depression. The depression package comes with many thoughts, feelings, and emotions not excluding the frequently pondered question. 

The desire to live is a battle many people with depression struggle with, sometimes on a daily basis. Often times I questioned my purpose in living as well. I can recall three specific times when the question haunted me, almost resulting in death: the first in eighth grade when it all began, the second in late high school after I got diagnosed, and the third, more recently, in my freshman year of college when the depression had intensified. 

Previously I had dismissed this question, as a young girl having little experience to base my reasoning on. But during the first month of college this question plagued my mind: why live? Being Christian I had full confidence that if I decided to end my life I would be with Jesus anyways. I adorned this idea into being the most preferred option. Being with Christ in eternity is more appealing than suffering here on earth. 

But by the mercy and grace of God, I am alive to share my testimony. 

"I don't believe anything happens after death. We're just here to live, then we die."
"Then our lives are in vain."
"I try to live my life the best I can and I think our purpose here is just to make other's lives better and then they make other people's lives better and it continues on."

I don't undermine that at all- striving to make people's lives just a little bit better. But do you see my logic here? Only to better people's lives humanly is a petty purpose. No, our purpose here on earth is the gospel of Jesus Christ. It started with the cross, witnesses shared the hope in Christ, and hope gets spread so it can continue to spread and this hope results in eternal life with Christ- purpose so our lives are not in vain. That is the only purpose in life. The reason why too many people end their lives early is because this hope wasn't shared with them, they see no purpose in life. I can say with absolute confidence, having full experience, that aside from Christ there is absolutely no purpose to life. You can give your life to your career, family, or friends but that is secondary and is temporary. What will not pass away in eternity is salvation of souls and this is our purpose. Once we declare this as our purpose, everything else then falls in line- our careers, families, friends, etc.

Our lives are vanity if not lived in the hope of Christ.  

Up and Down, Side to Side

It's 9:45 and I should be in bed but my mind's about to explode and I just need to rant and scream and maybe cry a little but I don't want to put anyone through that trauma. 

It's raining out side but this morning was beautiful...then it got cloudy...and once I woke up from my nap it was super sunny. Welcome to Ohio weather. Oh and welcome to the analogy of my life. 

I've come to accept it, really. It just pisses me off knowing I can't control my emotions without drugging myself up. My life sucks. Lets have a pity party. 

Ok...that was a bit dramatic.

So remember way back when...like wayyy back, when I blogged about my huge decision to stop school, work full time for a semester, then do the internship with my church? Well that internship is underway, as you well know. So for the past 9 months I've been anticipating this internship, doing things I had to do in order for this internship to actually happen for me, and honestly hardly caring about anything else but the internship. I think I lost all feeling and emotion being controlled by the single thought that doing the internship would be a year vacation and my life would be complete. Ha. 

Honestly I couldn't tell ya what happened these last 9 months besides the general events. If I could go back and re-live those months I would seize the day every day, even bad days. Because now, having lost feeling and sensitivity during those months, I can't fully enjoy this internship like I thought I could and would. But regarding other aspects, all of a sudden emotions that haven't been lost have doubled and I've become an emotional wreck. 

A friend told me before the internship that throughout the year we would come to see and know people for who they truly are...the absolute best and the absolute worst. Slowly I'm starting to see the different sides of people but if you asked any of them, I think they would attest to the severity of my emotions and personality. I honestly do feel bad. 

Something I've learned about myself in the past month: I can't hide my emotion. If I'm happy, you'll know it. If I'm pissed, you'll feel my wrath from a mile away. If I'm jealous, it's just better to stay away. If I'm depressed, you try and ask how I'm doing and my dam will burst. 

*breathe* OK rant over. 

This internship has not been a vacation. Surprise, surprise. It has succeeded in stretching and testing me emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually and has been one of the toughest rides in my life. But I have to repeat over and over, it's for the best. The Lord is the One doing the stretching and if I wasn't being tested, I wouldn't grow. What started with intense excitement and anxiety had turned into regret and struggle but has ultimately evolved into great appreciation, desire, fullness, and yet remorse knowing that this year will be over. Every good thing comes to an end. Next year I won't be studying the bible for 4 hours every morning and spending endless amounts of time with these people. But because I realize this, I am determined to really feel, grasp, acknowledge, and enjoy every single minute of this internship from here on out. Yes, these bipolar emotions suck. But I have full confidence that the Lord is working through each and every experience and person in my life this year to produce something even greater of Himself in me. 

An open, unedited, raw letter to... everyone?

We were all born with a sin struggle. Whether we have alcohol problems, anger issues, idol worshipping, coveting, potty mouth, gender confusion, or being attracted to the same gender, we all struggle with something. So lately I’ve been questioning and pondering, why are we, as Christians, putting ourselves on pedestals, broadcasting that we’re better than everyone? Whether you’re a believer in God or not we all sin. Deny it all you want but it’s true.

So here’s the thing, I love shopping. I love clothes and expressing myself through colors, patterns, styles, and texture. Every aspect in an outfit is important to me: the shoes, color of socks, pant length, shirt cut, shirt material…etc. You’re probably thinking, ok so?...no big deal. Ohhh no, see that’s where you’re wrong. Self image has basically become an idol to me. I literally care more about how I look sometimes than anything else. Ok, still, so what? No, shopping has consumed me. I had a bad day at school, I shop. Someone said something at work to anger me, I shop. I’m tired, I shop. I’m bored, I shop. Not even kidding you when I say I actually got to the point of shopping every day of the week. I spent more time consumed with my image, consumed with portraying my personality so accurately that I barely spent any time with the person most precious to me. Just because I have a problem, an addiction, an idol, doesn’t mean God won’t have me.

So here’s my real contemplation; recently the world has become obsessed with people ‘coming out’, proclaiming that they are gay. I remember gay rights week and I can only imagine how awful those people felt having religious people slamming hate in their faces, shoving right and wrong down their throats. Yes, ok I’ll admit, maybe I said some things publically that offended people. I apologize for being so naïve and inconsiderate.  

Love, love is an extremely powerful force… the most desired thing in the world. And we all try and find it in different ways. Human love though is wonderful, magical, so much more powerful than I think people want to admit. And that’s why I believe people search and chase after this more than any other thing, consciously or unconsciously.

And forgive me if I’m wrong, but if everyone’s searching for this, chasing after it, desiring it (and we shouldn’t discriminate), that’s what gay (sorry for the general term, I don’t know what you prefer) people desire too: love. Right and wrong aside, all they want is to love and be loved. Who can blame them for wanting something so magnificent? Asking them to give up what they most desire or possess is just like asking an alcoholic to stop drinking forever (not even a sip), asking a shopaholic to never even step inside a grocery store to even buy food…you get my point? It’s extremely hard. Think about it, what do you struggle with? Do you struggle with something as seemingly ‘less difficult’ like a swearing problem? What if one day someone told you to never swear again? I told myself that in high school- I was a believer and swearing is sin so I promised never to swear again…aint that funny. Yes, some people do in fact overcome their addiction (applause for them)…but to give up the most great thing in the world…love? Could you give up loving someone because it’s wrong? It’s forbidding gays from enjoying the most beautifully powerful thing known to humans. And now I have sympathy and understanding. If I was gay, I wouldn’t want to give up love either.

God desires all men to be saved and live a life with Him. Sin is sin…murder, adultery, homosexuality, idol worshipping…its all the same-it’s all sin and it’s all wrong. Belief in God though simply means we confess our sins (acknowledge that we actually do sin) and He forgives each and every sin, no question. Lord knows I can’t give up shopping…and He knows other people can’t give up and overcome their sin struggle either. All He desires though is for us to have a relationship with Him, He doesn’t ask us to necessarily give up what we desire..He just asks to be included in our lives. Is that too much for us? To let an extremely merciful, compassionate, loving God into our lives? Trust me when I say, if He asked me to give up what I love most, I wouldn’t have a relationship with Him right now. I’m tearing up right now just from experiencing this agape love God has for us…unconditional love, love that has no end. He doesn’t care what we’ve done in our lives, what we continue to do…all He wants is to have a place in our hearts.

So stop letting the judgement from people prohibit you from having the most wonderful relationship on earth with our God. Believers, including I, need to stop condemning people, pointing out sin, and just focus on Christ. Let God deal with sin, it's not our job to. It is our job however to accept people no matter what and just show them the love of Christ. 

Recognition of Love

Well I guess since my goal is to be honest on here, here goes nothing.

I think the biggest problem I have with my family is that I cant get close to them. Why? Well not that I dont want to...its just, Im afraid. Afraid of the pain that will follow. I cant quite explain it other than experiencing the intense aching of losing someone for good. Im afraid of that happening again...and I know it will. Its the reason Im so cold and bitter towards the ones I love, hoping that it will shut out the immense love working its way into my heart. Ive never known another love so strong yet physically painful. A love unintentionally rooted in the depths of my heart. In losing them, their love planted so deep tries to uproot itself but my heart still holds on and fights to keep that love.  

My grandpa passed two years ago this June. Never really was I close to him, only having seen him every so often, but the pain that came and still comes after his death is sometimes almost unbearable. I never knew how special my brother and I were to him until my grandma spoke to me about it two months after, "Grandpa, he loved you guys very much. Every time you came over his face would just light up. And of course he loved every one of his grand children...but you guys...you were really special to him." She didnt explain further after that, probably because of the tears streaming down both of our faces. I never got around to asking her about it either...again, because I was afraid. Afraid that I would realize his love for me was rooted further than I allowed. 

To this day I keep promising my grandmother Ill return for another visit on my own, after all she only lives an hour away. Ashamed I havent kept that promise for two years, I just cant bring myself to admit the truth...that when she goes a part of my heart will go to, as it will with everyone who will eventually pass in my family. 

To my family: You all know I love you. But I think this love is greater than both you and I realize at times. Even to those of you who Im not really close to and who I only ever say "hi" and "bye" to, youve somehow planted yourself into my heart. 

Maybe tonight Im just being sentimental...mourning the loss of my dear grandfather after months of ignoring this unsurfaced pain. Or maybe its more than that...a recognition that there is love, love is real, and love is powerful beyond knowledge. 

Restless Soul

The end to my retail career is near (hopefully). In two months this chapter in my life will come to a close, giving me freedom and allowing me to live a Christ-filled summer before the internship starts in the fall. Are you starting to see now the meaning behind the title of this post? Two months. Thats it. 

Working full time doesnt give you "spring break relaxation" so naturally Ive become jealous of those traveling to far away lands, soaking in the sun during their Bahamas cruise, and those simply enjoying endless hours of sleep and chosen laziness. Ive become jealous of other lifestyles, jealous over peoples financial and family situations, asking "when God, when?". Ive put in countless hours at work and my "free days" are spent babysitting...sometimes totaling 12 hour days with hardly a break for sanity to wash through (I love these kids though, dont get me wrong). If the Lord knows every desire in our hearts then surely He knows Ive been dying to break away and see the wonders Hes created. One by one these opportunities fall into the hands of someone other than me. What do I have to do to earn this privilege? Do I have to "follow the Lord relentlessly and He will give you the desires of your heart"? get a third job so I can physically earn it myself? or do I simply just "have faith" that everything I want to do will happen one day?

I know some agree that not being in school is a blessing and theyre right in most ways...no boring lectures, no impossible tests, no homework, etc. Others say living at home is a blessing too...home cooked meals, no rent, no bills, etc. Unfortunately my 19 year old restless soul doesnt quite agree with that though. Living at home doesnt offer the adventure that living independently does. My soul is longing for adventure, craving it.

You who are reading this are most likely shaking your heads thinking "shes young and inexperienced, she doesnt know how blessed she is, she doesnt know what the real worlds like". Well maybe so, but my apology is that I'm sorry God created a soul that lives for the thrill of adventure, appreciates the world He created, and needs independence for a while. 

This retail job cant contain my soul anymore but it has to unfortunately. Maybe I need patience. Though how does one acquire patience after a life lived restlessly and in the moment before? I think the Lord has more work to do in me than I want to admit.

A Change

Working full-time is...exhausting, to say the least. I am currently out of school and working in retail full-time. There's a lot I could easily complain about but I think I do that too much already and I sincerely apologize to anyone who I've talked to in the past month- I tend to bring work up more than necessary. Being with the college saints this past weekend was really refreshing; I had the full weekend off from work and my view on work life was renewed. Win/win type of weekend.

Over the course of the weekend there were three small group sessions and we got to pick 3 different topics out of a handful to listen in on. The last small group time was this morning and I hadnt had a chance to sign up for a group so I ended up randomly choosing to sit it on one. It happened to be titled "Faith and Work". In all honesty I didnt think I would get hardly anything out of the time. Well, I did:

The one thing said that really struck me was that so many people try and find their identity in their work and we're all subconsciously (some consciously) thinking we need to work to earn salvation. Fact is, however, there is nothing we can do to earn our salvation. Salvation is by the grace of God alone. I dont think God could have made it any more simple than that either. Martin Luther had this revelation, that salvation was not earned by works. He also concluded that there are no "higher" jobs meaning no job on this earth is better than another yet people are so concerned with having the best job and having the best position in the company. We are just simply asked to work at what we are called to do and to put 100% of our effort into being a living sacrifice for Christ. Some people are called to be doctors, others engineers, artists, scientists, dog walkers, etc. No need to waste time idolizing other jobs or higher paying positions if God hasnt ordained it.