Why do I always think that? "Oh if only this would happen...", "If only I owned this...", "I like my own plan better than Gods...".
I caught myself thinking the other day that if I had the real college experience, Id be happier today. And thats where it all began.
Am I unhappy with my life right now? I dont think so. Actually, Im not. Im in a challenging yet fantastic internship with the best people on the planet, Im about to live my dream of seven years of going to Africa, I just got inline skates, and I have a full tub of hummus in the fridge. So whats there to complain about?
But it started. And ohhh boy, when it started going downhill it just wouldnt stop.
We were driving home from Ben&Jerrys by the JCU campus yesturday and as we passed groups of friends sporting backpacks, maybe with books in their arms, and even some with looks of exhaustion painted on their faces from the all-nighter they had just pulled, I felt jealousy bubbling up inside of me. Stupid, pointless, naive jealousy. Jealousy because I havent had the 'real' college experience- yes, including those 'wake you up at 3 am noisy neighbors, the 'I dont know if this is cheese pizza or...", the 200 count attendance lame gen eds classes, cheesy but cute date spots, and strange professors (...well, I did have those...). Which then spiraled my mind thinking where I would be now- graduated, with my first big girl full-time dream job at the age of 20, and engaged to the college sweetheart (like a love at first sight thing of course). I would be financially stable because of my big girl job and that would allow me to travel the world like Ive wanted. Man, what a great life.
But here I am- no college degree, not even in college for that matter, in an internship for now, and not knowing what I want to do/can do next year. So I was browsing Pinterest the other night for life ideas and having talked to a friend a week before, moving to another state for some time looked and sounded invigorating. Oh the things I could do and the place I could see if only I had another life. Another life where I wasnt serving the Lord full-time and didnt love people enough to stay.
The unrest in my being was almost painful. My spirit and soul were definitely at battle- a caged soul begging to be free and soar against a willing, serving spirit for the Lord.
I asked a friend to pray for me in my unrest and she commented "...the grass always looks greener, but its not...". Talk about wake up call! This little phrase and prayers from a dear, most beloved friend turned my heart from beating myself up over past decisions to fully appreciating Gods work in my life.
Now I see how beautifully woven my life is. After the whole "college-> dropping out of college-> working full time-> doing the internship" deal, finally part of the tapestry was revealed to my curious eyes and the threads woven so intricately just amazed me. The way the Lord used every situation to bring me to a place of loving and trusting Him more was something I could have never orchestrated.
So why dream of greener pastures when Im in the greenest one already?
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