It just occured to me today, something intriguing actually; you think other people are complicated, hard to understand? Try fully understanding yourself. That alone is a challenge.
So heres what i realized about myself today: I like to prove my mind wrong. Most people, when they conclude something about themselves, it stays...they dont change. They claim "I was born this way" or "thats just who I am". Me? I thought I was like that too. I mean, sure, we all like to change our flaws, but what about the positive traits? or ones that are "just there"?
After participating in multiple sports that included running, I declared my self physically unable to run after horrible experiences. After a lap around the track (1/4 of a mile), my lungs would give out, my head would pound, and the taste of blood coated my throat. I am that pathetic. For three years I accepted the fact that I wasnt a runner. Did it bother me? No, not at all...it was something I came to accept, I didnt really care otherwise. Voices didnt taunt me at night because I couldnt run. Why did I need to run anyways? Where was the benefit of doing it? Needless to say, I was fine with my conclusion...
until last week. I was bored one day and decided to challenge myself. Challenge the fact set in stone in my mind- I wasnt a runner. No other reason, thats all...I was bored. I like a good challenge. So thats when it began: the challenge to become a runner. Why I wanted to do this, I have no logical answer.
Or another example from a year ago- I hated writing, and I accepted the fact that I wasnt a writer. Well, again, I wanted to challenge myself because I was bored. So I began writing and look at me now...I love writing!
Oh the stupid things you do when youre bored...seriously, who takes on that challenge of proving themselves wrong? Apparently I do. What can I say, you learn new things about yourself everyday.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Confessions
I hold my identity in my outward appearance.
How I dress, no not just one aspect of my outfit-all of it: first, the 'made-for-me' shirt...then the right jeans, picking the correct shade of blue, or depending on the day Ill go with leggings...a matching cami placed not too high, not too low, under the shirt above the neckline...socks or nude tights to coordinate with the rest of the outfit...shoes based on occasion and color scheme of the outfit...my piercings, studs or dangles also depending on the occasion...glasses or contacts, contacts usually...right down to the minor details of my hair-straight, wavy, curly, up, down, half-up...and lastly the body spray scent and nail polish color.
My dress usually matches my personality of that day. Wait, but who am I? The perfectionist I am claims to be a little bit of everything: rebel, artsy, athletic, church-y, fashion-savy, outdoors-y, nerd, conformist, professional, unique...creating a well-rounded, seemingly perfect human being. But maybe thats also because I enjoy doing different things: I like fishing, creating art, shopping, reading, writing, sleeping, taking pictures, playing sports, tanning, organizing, eating, going to church, befriending people, watching Chuck, and being independent.
Recently, Ive started defining myself on my body shape. Im short and skinny, but when I look in the mirror I see a fat, unhealthy mess. Sure maybe I have a good metabolism, but I want to be fit. I want to be perfect. So I developed an obsession with running hoping that one day Ill perfect my health and athletic ability.
Ive never been an A+ student. My grades in high school were decent. Some how I tested into Honors English in college which ultimately drove me to become the perfect student. And I was first semester- 4.0 GPA. Second semester, tougher than the first, pushed me to obsess over my grades, checking Blackboard every night, praying that the -3 points on my last test wouldnt plummet my GPA.
I also have a minor obsession with being the best friend I can be. One might see that as a pure asset, but in my mind, its a competition. Truely and honestly, I really do love and care for every single one of my friends. But I want to be "that" friend..."the" friend. The best friend that people go to for everything and only that person for really important, deep things.
Being a believer, I was taught that no one should define themselves by their outward appearance or good deeds they do for show. We should define ourselves by Christ inside of us, in our hearts. My heart-I love people, I really do. I love spending time with people, caring for people, listening to people, and helping people. But my mind is consumed with the thought that my outward, physical appearance is more important that all of that. Though God has worked in my heart on this matter, sometimes I still initially judge strangers based on their physical appearance and earthly things too.
My problems confessed, I now ask for prayer. I am in desperate need for a change in heart (or mind, rather). Appearance should not be the first thing I observe in people, as I hope it wouldnt be for myself either. I dont want people to admire my clothing or my hair, I want my love for God and man to radiate through me and flow out from me.
How I dress, no not just one aspect of my outfit-all of it: first, the 'made-for-me' shirt...then the right jeans, picking the correct shade of blue, or depending on the day Ill go with leggings...a matching cami placed not too high, not too low, under the shirt above the neckline...socks or nude tights to coordinate with the rest of the outfit...shoes based on occasion and color scheme of the outfit...my piercings, studs or dangles also depending on the occasion...glasses or contacts, contacts usually...right down to the minor details of my hair-straight, wavy, curly, up, down, half-up...and lastly the body spray scent and nail polish color.
My dress usually matches my personality of that day. Wait, but who am I? The perfectionist I am claims to be a little bit of everything: rebel, artsy, athletic, church-y, fashion-savy, outdoors-y, nerd, conformist, professional, unique...creating a well-rounded, seemingly perfect human being. But maybe thats also because I enjoy doing different things: I like fishing, creating art, shopping, reading, writing, sleeping, taking pictures, playing sports, tanning, organizing, eating, going to church, befriending people, watching Chuck, and being independent.
Recently, Ive started defining myself on my body shape. Im short and skinny, but when I look in the mirror I see a fat, unhealthy mess. Sure maybe I have a good metabolism, but I want to be fit. I want to be perfect. So I developed an obsession with running hoping that one day Ill perfect my health and athletic ability.
Ive never been an A+ student. My grades in high school were decent. Some how I tested into Honors English in college which ultimately drove me to become the perfect student. And I was first semester- 4.0 GPA. Second semester, tougher than the first, pushed me to obsess over my grades, checking Blackboard every night, praying that the -3 points on my last test wouldnt plummet my GPA.
I also have a minor obsession with being the best friend I can be. One might see that as a pure asset, but in my mind, its a competition. Truely and honestly, I really do love and care for every single one of my friends. But I want to be "that" friend..."the" friend. The best friend that people go to for everything and only that person for really important, deep things.
Being a believer, I was taught that no one should define themselves by their outward appearance or good deeds they do for show. We should define ourselves by Christ inside of us, in our hearts. My heart-I love people, I really do. I love spending time with people, caring for people, listening to people, and helping people. But my mind is consumed with the thought that my outward, physical appearance is more important that all of that. Though God has worked in my heart on this matter, sometimes I still initially judge strangers based on their physical appearance and earthly things too.
My problems confessed, I now ask for prayer. I am in desperate need for a change in heart (or mind, rather). Appearance should not be the first thing I observe in people, as I hope it wouldnt be for myself either. I dont want people to admire my clothing or my hair, I want my love for God and man to radiate through me and flow out from me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)