Ive been having a hard time lately. Stress, anxiety, and jealousy keep building up inside of me. Ill go a month being ok. Some days I feel so weak and needy. Most of the time I dont tell anyone my problems..I feel that burdening them with my problems wouldnt be fair. Then comes a time where smiling and pretending just gets too hard. These past few days I reached that point again. Tears starting streaming down, all I wanted to do was start over. I didnt understand how my life went from there to here, didnt understand why things happened, and didnt understand why I had to be here. Then God spoke to me through Watchman Nee's book, "Practical Issues of this Life". First chapter, Precious are the Tears, seemed fitting for me to read:
"...Well, suppose I am exceedingly sad today; so sad, in fact, that I can neither sigh nor talk-nor can I eat, sleep, nor work. Now what would you think would be the best way to dispel my sadness? If you were to ask a doctor how to cure such depression, he might perhaps use psychology by suggesting that I should invite my most intimate friends over for a heart-to-heart talk, or that I should listen to a few jokes so as to laugh off my gloom, or that I should visit some beautiful scenic places, or that I should take a walk, or that I should listen to some music so as to soothe my heart and forget my sorrow. Let me tell you, none of these ideas will work. But should the doctor be one who is deep in life experience, he would declare to me instead: have a good cry and you will find that everything will be all right. Is this not true? When pressure builds up within you to an unbearable degree, you will discover that just two drops of tears from your eyes will release all the tension and settle every problem. How strange that what is in the heart finds its exit through the eyes. It seems as though the eyes have become the outlet of the heart. For as the tears flow, the heart is opened up."
What he writes is true. After I finished crying (and reading this chapter), I felt peace. Not as much peace Ive felt in the past, but enough to remind me that Im in Gods hands. This is something I need to be reminded of every day. Whatevers going on in my life, good or bad, He placed me here. I dont know why Im here, but I trust that He will work everything out.
