As if the first two days of college werent tough enough, today I had to deal with, not just random spurts as usual, but a tidal wave of emotions. It all began when I programmed my friends address into my GPS, instead of using my innate sense of direction, and allowed her to lead me through the perilous back roads of east Cleveland into Lakewood.
As I drove, my mind wondered back to March, the month of hell..the month of betrayal, depression, and college. My life had been centered around my decision to attend Indiana Wesleyan University. For an entire year I prayed about my decision, visited twice, and felt exceedingly peaceful about it. I felt pretty confident that God placed it on my heart and was going to lead me on an amazing life journey at this Christian university. When all my forms were filled, housing and food applications were mailed in, and my life was set, the financial aid statement came. Needless to say, we couldnt afford Indiana.
To make a long story short, I applied to colleges in Cleveland, seeing that being around the brothers and sisters I grew up with was the next best thing. Although I am currently attending Tri-C, in the depths of my envious mind, I yearned to go to CSU. Not only is my dad a graduate from there, but I know 10+ people enrolled there this fall and not one where I go. Convincing myself that it was the second perfect college, even though sadly it doesnt offer my major, I wanted nothing to do with Tri-C.
Approaching the edges of downtown Cleveland, knowing I was about to pass by CSU, jealousy crept into my mind picturing those 10+ people there, including two of my dearest friends. Surprisingly, the jealousy faded seeing the other side of CSU..physically seeing the other side of the campus, but also the people and atmosphere actually for the first time. Realizing that I had been completely wrong thinking I was a city girl, I concluded that maybe CSU wasnt right for me after all. Being overwhelmed just by driving through, God only knows how stressed Id be if I were actually there. Safe to say, God knows best...always.
As I continued my drive through the suburbs of Cleveland, appreciation and thankfulness flooded my heart for God for placing me where He did..isolated in a not-so-foreign place anymore, but with Him there by my side every moment, every hour of the day. I may not have a clear picture of the path He's leading me down currently, but I can now say I trust in Him completely.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Friday, August 17, 2012
An Optimistic Depressive
Me, the happiest, "if I have a flaw, I fix it", most optimistic perfectionist got diagnosed with depression. Why and how? I have no idea, dont ask me. All I know is one minute I was all "happy go lucky" and the next moment I didnt have the desire to live anymore. I became extremely sad, livid, un-caring human being putting up blockage in my heart allowing nothing and no one in to save me.
The sad part of it all..I didnt care. No one mattered to me anymore, I was alone and liked it that way. I despised being around people, they irritated me to the uttermost. Then, of course, the lonliness grew and tore me down even further..to a point where I actually missed having friends.
There were, however, a few select people in my life who bore with me my suffering and where there every step of the way..to them, I am extremely greatful. Without them, I wouldnt have a different out-look on depression today..I never would have realized how my emotions affected people.
Now here are my thoughts on all of this:
I think its pretty safe to say that 99% of depressives are pessimistic, they however, would rather be thought of as "realists". But, realists dont necessarily have to be pessimistic, you can still be a realist but optimistic as well. Make sense?
Also, even though Ive only dealt with depression for half a year, I still understand depressives. Dont get me wrong, just because Im an optimistic depressive, doesnt mean I dont understand what other, more severe depressed people go through. I know how hard it is to wake up, I know how hard life is, I know you dont think theres a purpose to life, and how you think being issolated will make all of your problems go away and bring happiness.
I believe that half the problem is that people think they cant control their depression no matter how hard they try, so they continue taking meds and going to therapy. Yea, sure that stuff is good and hey, if it helps you then great. But only taking meds, thinking your life will magically get better because of some pill...it doesnt work like that. To "cure" depression, you actually have to try. Believe me, it takes a crap ton of effort..even with all the effort Ive put into "curing" myself, I still havent rid of my depression yet..but I sure do feel alot better. Heres the steps/method I created:
1. (Obviously) Come to a conclusion that you are depressed
2. Understand that depression is not caused by everyday occurances or by something someone said to you. It is a chemical imbalance in your brain.
3. Because it is a chemical imbalance in your brain, you can do nothing to help yourself besides meds.
4. ^ This is what doctors say but is NOT true...you just have to try even harder if you hate meds and like to fix things yourself (like I do!)
AH HA! Now that youve completed those (shouldnt have taken that long), you come to the fun part..curing yourself!
1. DO NOT isolate yourself- this is the worst thing you could possibly do. Yea, I know being around people and getting fresh air sucks..but suck it up and force yourself. (Go to the beach, thats what I enjoy most. For some reason water has this odd calming/cleansing effect).
2. Distraction- usually when people are depressed, alot of it has to do with boredum as well. Having too much free time gets you thinking which leads to very bad, depressing thoughts. So find things to take your mind off of the bad- paint, draw, shop, go on a photoshoot, collect sea glass, pinterest has alot of great ideas too, and read (the Bible!).
3. Find the one (or few) person you can trust- having someone that knows what your going through and how to help, can save you in the end..whether its a therapist, friend, family member, counseler, or teacher. I was privileged to have my parents, a cousin, and 3 really good friends there for me when I needed them in my most desperate times of need.
4. Ignore- realize that the average person does not know how you feel exactly much less what depression is. There will be people mocking you and bringing you down. Hold your head up high and just ignore them. Theyre stupid.
5. Appreciate- if you come across someone (usually not a stranger) who doesnt know/understand but is willing to help, let them. They might not know what to do, but something they do (that you wouldnt have thought of) might surprise you and actually help.
6. Take (legitimate) advice- my trusted friends would give random bits of advice. My cousin (whos going through depression as well) let me in on some things that worked for her, as well as things that worked for her friends too. Please dont listen to those dumb people who tell you youre never going to get better so just give up.
7. Color- this is a silly one, but it worked for me. Bring some color into your life! Instead of wearing black and shades of grey, try wearing some green, blue, pink..whatever!
8. Finally, people- dont be hanging around the wrong crowd. Besides boredum, people have a big affect on you whether you realize it. If youre hanging with people who condemn you for being depressed..find new friends please.
Doing these things helped me acknowledge my depression in the moment its happening. So now instead of sitting on my butt at home, sulking around, feeling the weight of the world, I can step back and say "Ok stop. This isnt me. I am depressed and wouldnt normally feel or react like this" and then I go through my steps of "curation".
Despite advice, depression is something people cant rid of for you. I like to think of it as a challenge that I have to complete myself. And oh the satisfaction of feeling better by something I did on my own rather than someone else doing it!
(By no means am I pronouncing myself to be an expert and intending to make anyone feel lesser of themselves, Im only giving my opinion and trying to help..but who said you have to take my advice?)
The sad part of it all..I didnt care. No one mattered to me anymore, I was alone and liked it that way. I despised being around people, they irritated me to the uttermost. Then, of course, the lonliness grew and tore me down even further..to a point where I actually missed having friends.
There were, however, a few select people in my life who bore with me my suffering and where there every step of the way..to them, I am extremely greatful. Without them, I wouldnt have a different out-look on depression today..I never would have realized how my emotions affected people.
Now here are my thoughts on all of this:
I think its pretty safe to say that 99% of depressives are pessimistic, they however, would rather be thought of as "realists". But, realists dont necessarily have to be pessimistic, you can still be a realist but optimistic as well. Make sense?
Also, even though Ive only dealt with depression for half a year, I still understand depressives. Dont get me wrong, just because Im an optimistic depressive, doesnt mean I dont understand what other, more severe depressed people go through. I know how hard it is to wake up, I know how hard life is, I know you dont think theres a purpose to life, and how you think being issolated will make all of your problems go away and bring happiness.
I believe that half the problem is that people think they cant control their depression no matter how hard they try, so they continue taking meds and going to therapy. Yea, sure that stuff is good and hey, if it helps you then great. But only taking meds, thinking your life will magically get better because of some pill...it doesnt work like that. To "cure" depression, you actually have to try. Believe me, it takes a crap ton of effort..even with all the effort Ive put into "curing" myself, I still havent rid of my depression yet..but I sure do feel alot better. Heres the steps/method I created:
1. (Obviously) Come to a conclusion that you are depressed
2. Understand that depression is not caused by everyday occurances or by something someone said to you. It is a chemical imbalance in your brain.
3. Because it is a chemical imbalance in your brain, you can do nothing to help yourself besides meds.
4. ^ This is what doctors say but is NOT true...you just have to try even harder if you hate meds and like to fix things yourself (like I do!)
AH HA! Now that youve completed those (shouldnt have taken that long), you come to the fun part..curing yourself!
1. DO NOT isolate yourself- this is the worst thing you could possibly do. Yea, I know being around people and getting fresh air sucks..but suck it up and force yourself. (Go to the beach, thats what I enjoy most. For some reason water has this odd calming/cleansing effect).
2. Distraction- usually when people are depressed, alot of it has to do with boredum as well. Having too much free time gets you thinking which leads to very bad, depressing thoughts. So find things to take your mind off of the bad- paint, draw, shop, go on a photoshoot, collect sea glass, pinterest has alot of great ideas too, and read (the Bible!).
3. Find the one (or few) person you can trust- having someone that knows what your going through and how to help, can save you in the end..whether its a therapist, friend, family member, counseler, or teacher. I was privileged to have my parents, a cousin, and 3 really good friends there for me when I needed them in my most desperate times of need.
4. Ignore- realize that the average person does not know how you feel exactly much less what depression is. There will be people mocking you and bringing you down. Hold your head up high and just ignore them. Theyre stupid.
5. Appreciate- if you come across someone (usually not a stranger) who doesnt know/understand but is willing to help, let them. They might not know what to do, but something they do (that you wouldnt have thought of) might surprise you and actually help.
6. Take (legitimate) advice- my trusted friends would give random bits of advice. My cousin (whos going through depression as well) let me in on some things that worked for her, as well as things that worked for her friends too. Please dont listen to those dumb people who tell you youre never going to get better so just give up.
7. Color- this is a silly one, but it worked for me. Bring some color into your life! Instead of wearing black and shades of grey, try wearing some green, blue, pink..whatever!
8. Finally, people- dont be hanging around the wrong crowd. Besides boredum, people have a big affect on you whether you realize it. If youre hanging with people who condemn you for being depressed..find new friends please.
Doing these things helped me acknowledge my depression in the moment its happening. So now instead of sitting on my butt at home, sulking around, feeling the weight of the world, I can step back and say "Ok stop. This isnt me. I am depressed and wouldnt normally feel or react like this" and then I go through my steps of "curation".
Despite advice, depression is something people cant rid of for you. I like to think of it as a challenge that I have to complete myself. And oh the satisfaction of feeling better by something I did on my own rather than someone else doing it!
(By no means am I pronouncing myself to be an expert and intending to make anyone feel lesser of themselves, Im only giving my opinion and trying to help..but who said you have to take my advice?)
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Fixing the Broken
Smirks displayed on my face whenever the words "broken heart" were spoken. How could a heart be broken, physically no...emotionally. I had never experienced it. But unfortunatley just like 99% of the hearts out there, painfully..regretfully..avoidable (yes)..mine broke. It didnt happen all at once (sometimes I wish it had), but slowly over the course of 4 years pieces started falling..too far and fast to catch them. With a shattered, disfunctional organ inside of me, how was I ever supposed to love again? Love even myself...
Staring into the mirror, I wondered how this had happened. I was careful, I didnt get physically attatched..worse, I got emotionally attached and had my heart torn and stolen out of me, never given back. Feeling empowered from anger, I knew I couldnt let my emptiness control me. But how must one fix their own heart when they dont hold the pieces? They cant.
A glance, a smile, a "how are you?"..a hug. Gradually, new and polished pieces were given to me from friends, family, but more importantly..strangers. Possessing the immense love of Christ in their hearts, I was able to repair my own heart, still bearing the scars of a painful past but grateful of the love shown to me- someone they didnt know.
Staring into the mirror, I wondered how this had happened. I was careful, I didnt get physically attatched..worse, I got emotionally attached and had my heart torn and stolen out of me, never given back. Feeling empowered from anger, I knew I couldnt let my emptiness control me. But how must one fix their own heart when they dont hold the pieces? They cant.
A glance, a smile, a "how are you?"..a hug. Gradually, new and polished pieces were given to me from friends, family, but more importantly..strangers. Possessing the immense love of Christ in their hearts, I was able to repair my own heart, still bearing the scars of a painful past but grateful of the love shown to me- someone they didnt know.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Accept or Reject
This past week I attended Gospel Odyssey..basically 100 christians going out to preach the Word of God. In previous years we had a set schedule: canvas in the morning for 4 hours, lunch, creative gospel for another 4-6 hours, dinner, door-to-door surveys in the evening. This year we were split into smaller groups and were assigned one city where we stay and have to come up with different ways to preach the gospel..no limits.
Having gone to 3 GO's before, I considered myself a seasoned veteran. Little did I know that I really didnt know how to preach the gospel. Most of our time was filled with two-on-one preaching, pairs would go out and preach to any person we saw. Some of the biggest challeges I faced were not being able to relate to a person, my shyness, my laziness, and not knowing what or where to start with unbelievers...safe to say I did not know how to preach at all.
This week was really good in helping me overcome my obstacles..somewhat. It also made me realize that I dont know as must of the bible as should and want to. It also ignited a passion and compassion inside of me for unbelievers and minimal believers. Yes, I admit, I didnt really care about peoples salvations as much as I should have, but there were some strangers salvations that frustrated me to the point of tears.
God desired to be with man and have a relationship with him so much so that He sent His son Jesus to die on the cross to clense all of our sins..just to make a way for us to be with Him. And the bible says that whoever believes in their heart and confesses with their mouth that Jesus is Lord shall be saved! God didnt say we had to do 1000 hours of community service or read the bible every hour to be saved..He said believe and be saved! Its that easy!
To me, how could anyone reject this, not want it? The difference between Christianity and other religions is that we have a personal Savior. Almost every religion has some "great guy" that people desire to know and be like. But do these "great guys" (like Buddha) care about people individually? No. First of all, they died along time ago, never resurected (meaning they arent living and working anymore), and created the religion so it helps people in general..which was nice of them. But come on..so its like our presidents today (or rulers of other countries), they care about the people in general..lets be honest, they dont care for peoples individual problems and needs. HOWEVER, believers have a LIVING God, who not only spoke through man to write the bible (a "self help" book as some call it), but also works and operates in man today! He actually cares about YOU!! As Jeremiah 29:11 says, " For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." So guess what, you believe in Him, you get a guy who genuinely cares for you, is always there for you, and who loves you unconditionally no matter what!
So my question is, how how how HOW can you not want this?! Truth of the matter is, your friends arent going to be there for you every step of the way, neither is your family..but God is. John 3:16 states that "whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life (with Him)". Hallelujah, we can be with Him forever!!
Having gone to 3 GO's before, I considered myself a seasoned veteran. Little did I know that I really didnt know how to preach the gospel. Most of our time was filled with two-on-one preaching, pairs would go out and preach to any person we saw. Some of the biggest challeges I faced were not being able to relate to a person, my shyness, my laziness, and not knowing what or where to start with unbelievers...safe to say I did not know how to preach at all.
This week was really good in helping me overcome my obstacles..somewhat. It also made me realize that I dont know as must of the bible as should and want to. It also ignited a passion and compassion inside of me for unbelievers and minimal believers. Yes, I admit, I didnt really care about peoples salvations as much as I should have, but there were some strangers salvations that frustrated me to the point of tears.
God desired to be with man and have a relationship with him so much so that He sent His son Jesus to die on the cross to clense all of our sins..just to make a way for us to be with Him. And the bible says that whoever believes in their heart and confesses with their mouth that Jesus is Lord shall be saved! God didnt say we had to do 1000 hours of community service or read the bible every hour to be saved..He said believe and be saved! Its that easy!
To me, how could anyone reject this, not want it? The difference between Christianity and other religions is that we have a personal Savior. Almost every religion has some "great guy" that people desire to know and be like. But do these "great guys" (like Buddha) care about people individually? No. First of all, they died along time ago, never resurected (meaning they arent living and working anymore), and created the religion so it helps people in general..which was nice of them. But come on..so its like our presidents today (or rulers of other countries), they care about the people in general..lets be honest, they dont care for peoples individual problems and needs. HOWEVER, believers have a LIVING God, who not only spoke through man to write the bible (a "self help" book as some call it), but also works and operates in man today! He actually cares about YOU!! As Jeremiah 29:11 says, " For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." So guess what, you believe in Him, you get a guy who genuinely cares for you, is always there for you, and who loves you unconditionally no matter what!
So my question is, how how how HOW can you not want this?! Truth of the matter is, your friends arent going to be there for you every step of the way, neither is your family..but God is. John 3:16 states that "whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life (with Him)". Hallelujah, we can be with Him forever!!
Mountain Top 2012
This Mountain Top was unlike any others. In years past, Id go to touch my Spirit more and to allow God to brake chains that were holding me back. Not to say that this year I didnt touch my Spirit..but this year more of my experience there was about sheparding.
Two of my really good friends came with me this year. Being a new experience for both of them, I wasnt sure how comfortable theyd feel or how much theyd actually enjoy it. Both of them had been saved in the previous year but there was still alot room in their hearts for God to work in.
Something possibly counted as seemingly not that important, however a break through in my eyes, was when I mentioned to one of my friends how theres always at least one night when everyones moved to tears. She commented that she wasnt easily brought to tears, so I was motivated to continually pray for her. I knew God had been and is so real to me and I wanted her to experience that too. For one day I constantly prayed for her, almost every hour of the day. They werent just small prayers, but genuine, long, heart-felt prayers that she would be so moved by the Holy Spirit that it would bring her to tears.
My prayers were answered unexpectedly a day before I thought they would be. That night everyones hearts were touched including hers. We all sat and wept togther. I will never forget that night for as long as I live. It increased my faith knowing that God was and is able to move mountains.
God also moved mountains in the heart of my other friend. She was having a rough time with her past a few nights before and the words and encouragement from the sisters didnt seem to be enough. We had prayed strongly for her before mountain top to be baptized and she had planned to be baptized that week. But as we sat in my room that night, I was skeptical about the baptism..would it really change her life? The answer came the next day. God had worked in her heart the night before, allowing His peace and joy to enter her life. The baptism was extremely moving. All of the Cleveland sisters were brought to tears as we watched our fellow sister enter the water and emerge as a new creation in Christ!
That week was definitely a new step in everyones lives in their relationship with Him.
Two of my really good friends came with me this year. Being a new experience for both of them, I wasnt sure how comfortable theyd feel or how much theyd actually enjoy it. Both of them had been saved in the previous year but there was still alot room in their hearts for God to work in.
Something possibly counted as seemingly not that important, however a break through in my eyes, was when I mentioned to one of my friends how theres always at least one night when everyones moved to tears. She commented that she wasnt easily brought to tears, so I was motivated to continually pray for her. I knew God had been and is so real to me and I wanted her to experience that too. For one day I constantly prayed for her, almost every hour of the day. They werent just small prayers, but genuine, long, heart-felt prayers that she would be so moved by the Holy Spirit that it would bring her to tears.
My prayers were answered unexpectedly a day before I thought they would be. That night everyones hearts were touched including hers. We all sat and wept togther. I will never forget that night for as long as I live. It increased my faith knowing that God was and is able to move mountains.
God also moved mountains in the heart of my other friend. She was having a rough time with her past a few nights before and the words and encouragement from the sisters didnt seem to be enough. We had prayed strongly for her before mountain top to be baptized and she had planned to be baptized that week. But as we sat in my room that night, I was skeptical about the baptism..would it really change her life? The answer came the next day. God had worked in her heart the night before, allowing His peace and joy to enter her life. The baptism was extremely moving. All of the Cleveland sisters were brought to tears as we watched our fellow sister enter the water and emerge as a new creation in Christ!
That week was definitely a new step in everyones lives in their relationship with Him.
Vision Week 2012
I am typing this review out from vision week about a month after it actually happened. I had so much to say on it, but now it seems Ive forgotten alot. Heres pretty much the things that touched me most out of the week:
Strategy- Titus says we need to have a strategy for our life. We cant just say "whatever happens, happens" because then nothing eternally valuable will happen. This doesnt mean we need to know where we're going to live, how much money we'll make, etc. However, we do need to make goals, or at least know somewhat where we want to go in our christian lives. For example, these next two years I will be attending the community college for interior design. Its my worldly goal..but for my spiritual goals and plan for my christian life- I am giving these next to years over to Christ for me to fall completely inlove with Him before any man can steal my heart, I would like to attend college bible studies and continue to serve the church, I would like to travel to Africa with the church one day and lead people to Christ over there, and I am considering the next Christian internship. So what are your goals? and where will they leave you with God?
Really Praying- This, I found to be slightly amusing yet so very true. Titus gave us all something to think about. Every christian prays, but do they really pray? As in, when we pray do we just pray for what we want or for the Fathers will do be done (even if its not what we want to happen).
Vitality and Zeal- I dont remember as much as I would like on this topic but what I gather from it was that these two go together. Without zeal, there is no vitality. But you can have vitality without zeal. To zeal is to have passion for something, its not a feeling, its an emotion, something deeper. Vitality is the "going on" and persuing. To be zealous for the Lord is a precious thing..from what I understand, its uncommon today.
Spirit- All I can say is strive to be one with the Spirit.
Fellowship (Titus and the saints as a blessing)- It truly is a blessing to have Titus still with us. Through him, we all grow in knowledge in Christ. Up until this year I never paid attention in Titus's messages, but Ive begun to appreciate them more and more recently. I also really appreciate the fact that there is such a large church life. We may not all know each other or even know everyones names, but we are a family. A family rooted in Christ. Throughout the years I have seen many fall away from Christ and the church and it sadens me to the uttermost. Who wouldnt want to live this life with Christ and have amzing, wonderful brothers and sisters who deeply care for you?? I am blessed to have been brought up in the church life and to know so many saints.
Strategy- Titus says we need to have a strategy for our life. We cant just say "whatever happens, happens" because then nothing eternally valuable will happen. This doesnt mean we need to know where we're going to live, how much money we'll make, etc. However, we do need to make goals, or at least know somewhat where we want to go in our christian lives. For example, these next two years I will be attending the community college for interior design. Its my worldly goal..but for my spiritual goals and plan for my christian life- I am giving these next to years over to Christ for me to fall completely inlove with Him before any man can steal my heart, I would like to attend college bible studies and continue to serve the church, I would like to travel to Africa with the church one day and lead people to Christ over there, and I am considering the next Christian internship. So what are your goals? and where will they leave you with God?
Really Praying- This, I found to be slightly amusing yet so very true. Titus gave us all something to think about. Every christian prays, but do they really pray? As in, when we pray do we just pray for what we want or for the Fathers will do be done (even if its not what we want to happen).
Vitality and Zeal- I dont remember as much as I would like on this topic but what I gather from it was that these two go together. Without zeal, there is no vitality. But you can have vitality without zeal. To zeal is to have passion for something, its not a feeling, its an emotion, something deeper. Vitality is the "going on" and persuing. To be zealous for the Lord is a precious thing..from what I understand, its uncommon today.
Spirit- All I can say is strive to be one with the Spirit.
Fellowship (Titus and the saints as a blessing)- It truly is a blessing to have Titus still with us. Through him, we all grow in knowledge in Christ. Up until this year I never paid attention in Titus's messages, but Ive begun to appreciate them more and more recently. I also really appreciate the fact that there is such a large church life. We may not all know each other or even know everyones names, but we are a family. A family rooted in Christ. Throughout the years I have seen many fall away from Christ and the church and it sadens me to the uttermost. Who wouldnt want to live this life with Christ and have amzing, wonderful brothers and sisters who deeply care for you?? I am blessed to have been brought up in the church life and to know so many saints.
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