Recognition of Love

Well I guess since my goal is to be honest on here, here goes nothing.

I think the biggest problem I have with my family is that I cant get close to them. Why? Well not that I dont want to...its just, Im afraid. Afraid of the pain that will follow. I cant quite explain it other than experiencing the intense aching of losing someone for good. Im afraid of that happening again...and I know it will. Its the reason Im so cold and bitter towards the ones I love, hoping that it will shut out the immense love working its way into my heart. Ive never known another love so strong yet physically painful. A love unintentionally rooted in the depths of my heart. In losing them, their love planted so deep tries to uproot itself but my heart still holds on and fights to keep that love.  

My grandpa passed two years ago this June. Never really was I close to him, only having seen him every so often, but the pain that came and still comes after his death is sometimes almost unbearable. I never knew how special my brother and I were to him until my grandma spoke to me about it two months after, "Grandpa, he loved you guys very much. Every time you came over his face would just light up. And of course he loved every one of his grand children...but you guys...you were really special to him." She didnt explain further after that, probably because of the tears streaming down both of our faces. I never got around to asking her about it either...again, because I was afraid. Afraid that I would realize his love for me was rooted further than I allowed. 

To this day I keep promising my grandmother Ill return for another visit on my own, after all she only lives an hour away. Ashamed I havent kept that promise for two years, I just cant bring myself to admit the truth...that when she goes a part of my heart will go to, as it will with everyone who will eventually pass in my family. 

To my family: You all know I love you. But I think this love is greater than both you and I realize at times. Even to those of you who Im not really close to and who I only ever say "hi" and "bye" to, youve somehow planted yourself into my heart. 

Maybe tonight Im just being sentimental...mourning the loss of my dear grandfather after months of ignoring this unsurfaced pain. Or maybe its more than that...a recognition that there is love, love is real, and love is powerful beyond knowledge. 

Restless Soul

The end to my retail career is near (hopefully). In two months this chapter in my life will come to a close, giving me freedom and allowing me to live a Christ-filled summer before the internship starts in the fall. Are you starting to see now the meaning behind the title of this post? Two months. Thats it. 

Working full time doesnt give you "spring break relaxation" so naturally Ive become jealous of those traveling to far away lands, soaking in the sun during their Bahamas cruise, and those simply enjoying endless hours of sleep and chosen laziness. Ive become jealous of other lifestyles, jealous over peoples financial and family situations, asking "when God, when?". Ive put in countless hours at work and my "free days" are spent babysitting...sometimes totaling 12 hour days with hardly a break for sanity to wash through (I love these kids though, dont get me wrong). If the Lord knows every desire in our hearts then surely He knows Ive been dying to break away and see the wonders Hes created. One by one these opportunities fall into the hands of someone other than me. What do I have to do to earn this privilege? Do I have to "follow the Lord relentlessly and He will give you the desires of your heart"? get a third job so I can physically earn it myself? or do I simply just "have faith" that everything I want to do will happen one day?

I know some agree that not being in school is a blessing and theyre right in most ways...no boring lectures, no impossible tests, no homework, etc. Others say living at home is a blessing too...home cooked meals, no rent, no bills, etc. Unfortunately my 19 year old restless soul doesnt quite agree with that though. Living at home doesnt offer the adventure that living independently does. My soul is longing for adventure, craving it.

You who are reading this are most likely shaking your heads thinking "shes young and inexperienced, she doesnt know how blessed she is, she doesnt know what the real worlds like". Well maybe so, but my apology is that I'm sorry God created a soul that lives for the thrill of adventure, appreciates the world He created, and needs independence for a while. 

This retail job cant contain my soul anymore but it has to unfortunately. Maybe I need patience. Though how does one acquire patience after a life lived restlessly and in the moment before? I think the Lord has more work to do in me than I want to admit.