Recognition of Love

Well I guess since my goal is to be honest on here, here goes nothing.

I think the biggest problem I have with my family is that I cant get close to them. Why? Well not that I dont want to...its just, Im afraid. Afraid of the pain that will follow. I cant quite explain it other than experiencing the intense aching of losing someone for good. Im afraid of that happening again...and I know it will. Its the reason Im so cold and bitter towards the ones I love, hoping that it will shut out the immense love working its way into my heart. Ive never known another love so strong yet physically painful. A love unintentionally rooted in the depths of my heart. In losing them, their love planted so deep tries to uproot itself but my heart still holds on and fights to keep that love.  

My grandpa passed two years ago this June. Never really was I close to him, only having seen him every so often, but the pain that came and still comes after his death is sometimes almost unbearable. I never knew how special my brother and I were to him until my grandma spoke to me about it two months after, "Grandpa, he loved you guys very much. Every time you came over his face would just light up. And of course he loved every one of his grand children...but you guys...you were really special to him." She didnt explain further after that, probably because of the tears streaming down both of our faces. I never got around to asking her about it either...again, because I was afraid. Afraid that I would realize his love for me was rooted further than I allowed. 

To this day I keep promising my grandmother Ill return for another visit on my own, after all she only lives an hour away. Ashamed I havent kept that promise for two years, I just cant bring myself to admit the truth...that when she goes a part of my heart will go to, as it will with everyone who will eventually pass in my family. 

To my family: You all know I love you. But I think this love is greater than both you and I realize at times. Even to those of you who Im not really close to and who I only ever say "hi" and "bye" to, youve somehow planted yourself into my heart. 

Maybe tonight Im just being sentimental...mourning the loss of my dear grandfather after months of ignoring this unsurfaced pain. Or maybe its more than that...a recognition that there is love, love is real, and love is powerful beyond knowledge.