Its been a while since Ive written on here, mainly because Ive had writers block...or whatever you call it. Too much crammed in my mind yet I couldn't get a word out. Wow, well let me just say this summer has been incredible. But no, this post isn't about my summer. Actually, Ill be writing about something very sober, raw pain recently exposed and bitterness added. Actually, all of my posts are pretty serious...oops!
Lets just say, I don't have the ideal family situation. Sure, on the outside we look like a perfectly happy, energetic, fun-loving family. And we are. But that surface layer masks pain, wounds, and damage. Im sorry, I shouldn't complain. Yes, I have a financially stable family, food to eat, and God-loving parents. But my past is what it is and has left its scars.
I came across a song a few years ago that sums up my past (the way I felt it) perfectly. Its called 7x70 by Chris August. I wont post every lyric but here are the ones that have been poking the sore spots lately:
"They've heard the screaming matches
That made a family fall apart
They've had a front row seat
To the breaking of my heart [...]
[...] Just when I'm supposed to be learning to love
you let me doubt again"
For the longest time I blamed my parents for our lack of relationship. Needless to say, the people I needed the most weren't there for me when I was crying out in desperation. As Britt Nicole's song phrases it:
"I remember the moment
I remember the pain
I was only a girl
But I grew up that day
Tears were falling
I know You saw me
Hiding there in my bedroom
So alone
I was doing my best
Trying to be strong
No one to turn to
That's when I met You"
My God...my God. In those aching days, He was no longer "my parents God" rather, He became my personal Savior. My friends even disappointed me; they didn't supply each want, each need. They couldn't give me peace in raging storms. They didn't listen to every word, catch every tear, love me with every ounce of their being. No, but my God did.
Fast forward to this summer, vision week. Probably one of the most intense weeks Ive ever been through. On top of 2 long meetings each day and study groups, I proceeded to read a book that, lets say...made me think of my Christian life/God in a different way of which I haven't fully accepted yet. So this challenge was upon me, eating at me rather and what did I do? Run. Avoid. Deny. How could this author make out my God to be someone completely...different?...than the Savior Hes been in my life? (Ok, right now youre probably thinking this is an atheist book or something...I promise its not. I just couldn't comprehend certain things.)
Rewind back to my high school days. God sovereignly brought me to the realization that my damaged relationship with my parents wasn't fully because of them...mainly, it was because of me and my hardened heart. I still to this day don't know why I was an awful child, rebelling against every word they spoke. And to this day I don't know why Im quick to anger. But from then to now, Gods done some miraculous work in my heart. Once again, Chris hit it spot on:
"7 times 70 times
I'll do what it takes to make it right
I thought the pain was here to stay
But forgiveness made a way [...]
[...] I lost count of the ways you let me down
But no matter how many times
You weren't around
I'm all right now
God picked up my heart and helped me through
And shined a light on the one thing
Left to do
And that's forgive you
I forgive you"
So there. All's forgiven, life is good, lets move on. NOPE! Vision week remains a blur in my mind but for some reason I became bitter after that week. Things were happening in my life that made me question God once again. Nothing was going right, did He even care about me anymore? Ok...if He was the God described in the book, I seriously thought about my decision to pursue Him.
Then God, in His own sense of humor, played Chris's song in my car today...my God story replayed in 3 minutes and 58 seconds.
Forget that author and his stupid opinions! Ok...that's harsh. But I know my God. Maybe Gods working differently in that authors life...so it doesn't mean I have to take every little thing to heart.
Because how could I forget my Savior, my Healer, my God...the one who taught me to love again?
